I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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