I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
