I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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