I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
