Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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