"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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