i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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