Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
