well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
