I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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