Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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