my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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