Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
