PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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