Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
