I am in a vortex of obligation.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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