So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
