eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
