I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
