She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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