im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
