I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
