He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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