I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Will you blow on my dice?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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