Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
