I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
