I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize