I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
