just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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