okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
