The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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