I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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