so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
