You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
