do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
