my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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