Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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