The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
