just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
