those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize