Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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