I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
