"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
