I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You smell like stripper and shame
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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