So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
