I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
where are you?
Hypothermia
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
