I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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