they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
