Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
