my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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