oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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