The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
