fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
