There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
