Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
