He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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