i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My life is pants optional.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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