she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
