She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cockslap morals
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
