There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Buhtt sex?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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